


The Feeling of Being Trapped

by Kaylajojo



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Ned and Peter are the best of friends, Trans Peter Parker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-02 17:13:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11513823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaylajojo/pseuds/Kaylajojo
Summary: “Transphobes are shit.”“Yeah they are.”





	1. Just that much more

These roof’s are all the same when you are laying on one.

 

Peter sticks to the concrete floor like glue, his body nailed to the ground with fingertips tracing the place he lays.

 

He’s tripping over overheated thoughts and the way the stars are looking down at him with pity in their glow. It’s the same pity he’s been getting from everyone at school  lately, the one filled with _what went wrong?_ and _who hurt you?_ And none of it comes with any answers. This isn’t something that Peter should have to explain, and _yet_. 

 

Peter’s thoughts are cut off by the slamming sound of a door being opened quickly.

 

“Peter you haven’t been answering my calls, I had to track you down and sneak into this random hotel and I thought you were dead and wh-“ Ned stops his rapid fire pursuit of scolding when he sees Peter alive and laying on the ground looking like he is in pain, that maybe isn’t physical.

 

Peter doesn’t really acknowledge him other than his eyes looking at Ned.

 

“Pete are you hurt?”

 

“No.”

 

“Okay are you sure becau-“

 

Then just like that, the wall holding Peter back cracks and breaks into a hundred pieces.

 

Peter starts laughing abruptly cutting Ned off.

 

“Did you hear what Flash called me today?” Peter asks laughing brokenly with no humor behind his words.

 

Peter just continues to lie there staring at the stars.

 

“Penis Parker, isn’t that hilarious Ned, Penis Parker!” Peter is moving his hands over his eyes and then he is sobbing.

 

Ned quickly moves down to the ground to be near Peter.

 

The two sit there in a state of pain, the pain coming from the fact that the world is too cruel 

 

Peter sits up and looks heartbroken.

 

“Can I hug you Pete?”

 

Without warning Ned is holding an armful of his best friend Peter Parker.

 

“Why can’t he just leave me alone?” Peter says into Ned’s now tear soaked Star Wars shirt.

 

Ned just hugs Peter more fiercely, wanting to protect him the way Peter protects New York.

 

Peter then pulls away and looks back up at the stars.

 

“I’m okay now.” Peter says shakily.

 

After a while of quietness,

 

“I know you’re not okay, Peter,” Ned breaks the silence.

 

Peter breaths out heavily. 

 

“I feel trapped,” Peter says. It’s not much, he thinks, but it’s all he’s got right now.

 

“I thought that feeling wasn’t as bad anymore, or like I mean I thought it wasn't happening as much.”

 

“I just-,” Peter starts, “- whenever Flash calls me Penis Parker it’s like someone punched me in the stomach, Ned. I hate it . And when these muggers or someone makes fun of my voice sounding like a girls, I want to punch them so hard damage control has to peel them off the walls of New York.” And if Ned laughs to ease the tension or because he genuinely finds it funny, Peter will never know, but it helps.

 

“Transphobes are shit.”

 

“Yeah they are.”

 

.

 

Ned was actually the first person that Peter told.

 

“I don’t think I’m a girl,” Peter mumbled over a glass of milkshakes at age ten.

 

“That’s chill, thats completely fine, do you want another name?” Ned asks casually.

 

“Peter”

 

“I like that, Peter sounds wicked!” Ned exclaimed.

 

Peter laughs and feels lighter.

 

.

 

Aunt May and Uncle Ben are the second.

 

“I think that I’m a boy.” Peter had told his aunt and uncle at age twelve.

 

“Okay sweetheart. What… what does that mean for you? Aunt May had asked gently.

 

“Uhh, it means, well. It means that I was born in a girl’s body, but, I’m a boy. I am, I’m Peter, is that okay?” he explained slightly frightened, becoming really quiet towards the end of the sentence.

 

May and Ben got up without question and hugged Peter tight and kissed his head while Ben said,”Of course it’s okay my sweet boy, we love you Peter, and we always will.”

 

.

 

Uncle Ben died and it seemed like life just got harder.

 

.

 

Tony Stark however made life feel less claustrophobic.

 

“You still doing okay with the shots?” Tony asks one night as the two are working on Peter’s suit.

 

“Yeah I mean other than the headaches I feel really good.”

 

“That is great, you know I am really glad we got you all set, With me when I started taking T my doctors had a nightmare of a time because I kept getting  those flu-like symptoms. I mean it’s common but those doctors went to the worst case scenario and thought that they were killing me, and when you think you are killing Iron Man people get a little panicked.”

 

Peter giggled, “Wow I guess you would be a little panicky, your doctor now though is awesome, she is always checking up on me and making sure that if I am feeling sick that it isn’t anything worrying, you know some kind of spider DNA related problem.”

 

“Oh yeah she is the best, I’m glad we got you set up with Karen when we got back from Germany.”

 

If there is a correlation with the AI in Peter’s suit being named Karen and his favorite doctor being named Karen, well nobody really needs to know that.

 

.

 

Tony found out about Peter in Germany when he was doing some kind of vitals check on Peter and his anatomy showed up along with the vitals, Tony then got a little confused and Peter hurriedly explained when he realized.

 

_“_ Hey so funny story you see um, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is trans and I’m sorry if you are mad or disappointed, I can leave or not figh-”

 

“Peter hey stop talking kid, you are getting worked up, Peter let me let you in on a little secret, I call my self Iron Man for a reason.” Tony said emphasizing the Man in his name.

 

Peter just stared for a second and then realization flooded him.

 

“Oh…oh man…oh okay I… okay so you get it..psh of course you get it okay um yeah.”

 

Tony smiled gently at Peter and said,”When we get back from Germany you and me are going to talk about this some more and maybe even talk to the person who has been helping me transition….that is if you want to of course.”

 

Peter’s smiled brightly, “Mr, Stark oh my gosh that would be amazing, I mean I hate to ask that of you though.”

 

“Nope don’t think about it, I want to do it, does May know about you being trans?”

 

“Yeah I told her a long time ago and she has been really supportive but with insurance and hefty payments and stuff she hasn't been able to afford anything other than blockers.”

 

“Okay that's good, I’m glad she has been supportive.”

 

Silence

 

“Mr.Stark thank you, really.”

 

“Nope don’t thank me but if you really want to thank me just wait until I get you a pride flag for you to hang in your bedroom. Then you can thank me for that.”

 

“Okay sounds good Mr.Stark.” Peter laughed.

 

Peter felt the trapped feeling reside just that much more that day. 

 


	2. What just happened?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, that begs the question, who is trying to kill you? Who did you piss off kid?”

Peter watches silently from his place on the fire escape. The streets below are buzzing, loud in the darkness of nighttime.

 

Fatigue is heavy on his bones, but Peter can't really think of a time as of recently when he wasn't constantly wading through the sluggishness of lethargy. Dreams of fire, crackling beams falling, plague his mind constantly.

 

The calm presence of people walking on pavement is something Peter can find safety in. He does not know these people. These people do not know him.

 

"You shouldn't be up here.”

 

The voice startles Peter out of his thoughts, cutting through the air smoothly. The voice is deep, coming from the base of the man's diaphragm, and although it is not particularly stentorian, it commands attention.

 

"Going to report me?” Peter raises a brow, smiles and shifts to let his leg dangle from the edge over nothing and tucks the other into his chest as he leans his head back onto the wall behind him. It wouldn't take much to push him off the edge, now, just a forceful nudge would be sending him over onto the hard pavement below. 

 

"No," Tony says, "I'm not."

 

Peter searches his face for - he isn't sure but he tries to find something and looks away after a moment's eye contact. He is just too tired to wonder why Tony is here.

 

He nods.

 

They do not speak for a while after that. It's nearly two in the morning when Tony speaks, watching the sparse activity that never happens in this part of town, “May says you haven’t been sleeping?”

 

Peter stares out and watches the movement of cars. “Vultures will do that to ya’ I guess, Ill be fine though.”

 

Tony sees Peter tense up and decides to change the subject

 

“I’ve got that flag by the way.”

 

Peter heart swells,”you should bring it to me sometime, could always do with more pride, might even wear it like a cape when I go out patrolling at night, you know transphobes come out of the woodworks when they see a badass trans person.”

 

“Oh yeah kid trust me, I know.” Tony laughs.

 

.

 

The sea brushes the sand around, softly grinding small grains of sand against each other. The wooden boardwalk creaks under their boots, wind blowing around their scarves and hair.

 

"I did my T shot myself yesterday.” Peter’s happy face shines brightly in the sun. 

 

“That’s awesome Peter!” Ned exclaims.

 

Mj just smiles at him, squeezes his hand and then promptly lets go.

 

Peter’s voice is soft when he speaks. “Thanks.”

 

Peter feels the weight on his chest become lighter and lighter each day.

 

.

 

Peter darts across the street, giving a twitchy wave as a car slows to let him pass. He bounces over to the other end of the street, slowing to a walk as his tattered converse hit the pavement. The chilly autumn wind picks up and scatters brown leaves around him, he pulls his woolen beanie further down over his ears, pushing his sleeves over his chilled hands. 

 

He’s tired, to say the least.  At fifteen, working as an esteemed  ‘intern’ for Tony Stark and also trying to be on the decathlon team was one thing.  But, putting on his spidey suit every night to protect the city, was another. 

 

So, he’s tired, there are dark crescents under his eyes, and his lanky frame drags on once night falls each day. Also nightmares make life that much more complicated. 

 

That being said, other than the nightmares Peter loves every minute of it.

 

He slips his badge Tony gave him out of his pocket and holds it in his cold hands nearly approaching the New York office that Tony has set up so that he can still be in the city for purposes he won’t tell Peter about. 

 

Tucking his hands in his jacket pockets, he trudges forward on excited feet as he stands in front of the electronic check-in connected to Friday, brandishing his ID. “Good morning, Peter. Tony is in the Lab.” The AI greets cooly but merrily, and Peter thanks the voice, still unsure where to actually direct everything he says to the software.

 

Moving past the check-in, He stands and waits for the elevator, agents and top-secret business men and women alike darting across the lobby to get on with more important things, the bustle and noise never seeming to end.  

 

The first elevator is full, packed with men and women in dark suits and high-clearance ID badges, speaking a jumble of things that surely must be important.

 

_Peter could literally climb this entire building right now in twenty-seconds, flat_ , he thinks, blowing out a breath as he continues his wait for the next elevator, his back toward the wall of windows in lobby.  

 

In a split second, Peter’s body goes rigid, a shiver going through his spine, tension suddenly thick in the air.  He tightens his grip on his ID, narrowing his eyes and listening intently.

 

_Something’s wrong._

 

Peter goes to push anyone that he can out of the way as fast as he can. Before he can make much sense of anything though, the windows shatter with gunshots, shards falling to the floor and ricocheting onto him.

 

As he tackled everyone to the ground he felt the breath rushing out of him as he collided with hard linoleum floor, his head knocking back.

 

As soon as he’s to the floor, a full round of deafening shots go off, civilians and SHIELD members alike shouting and ducking for cover.

 

At least ten-seconds pass of mostly uninterrupted gunfire.

 

Then nothing,

 

There’s a flash of red and gold.

 

Shots blare out again, hitting hard linoleum and ricocheting off the ground, making Peter jolt, the movements making his vision double momentarily and his head pound. He needs to be helping but his head is burning.

 

_Not good_ , he thinks.

 

Then silence and then Tony’s voice is telling everyone that it’s clear. 

 

_Oh man his head is hurting_ , Peter thinks continuing to lie on the floor. He hears everyone shuffling back to their feet slowly. Peter goes to get up as well but Tony grabs him and is dragging him to the now empty elevator clad in full Iron-Man gear.

 

“I think you have a concussion. I’m can’t tell for sure, or anything, but I’m pretty sure your head got a little jumbled. There’s an angry looking bruise on your temple. And you’ve got some glass in you.  Nothing too permanent, though,” Tony speaks seriously.

 

_What just happened?_

 

“Those men shooting were gunning for you, I figured it out about thirty minutes ago, a little too late though. I got a call a few minutes ago from some higher ups telling me about this guy getting out of jail today and apparently our jail pal hates you or at least that was what those higher ups heard when the guy came looking for you around them.” Tony says speaking fast. 

 

“So, that begs the question, who is trying to kill you? Who did you piss off kid?”

 

_This is too much._

 

“I - I don’t -” Peter’s vision is blurring around the edges, his blood rushing through his ears.  He can hear everything with hyper-sensitivity, his powers always out of  control when he feels weak or sick.“Hey we are going to figure this out kid, I promise.” Tony says steading Peter with hands going around his shoulder.


	3. It's okay to not be fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why won’t people stop dropping buildings on him?

Gritting his teeth, Peter tried to pull himself into a sitting position, only to feel a bolt of pain run down his back. He blinked to clear his mind of the white spots that had since filled his vision. He wanted so bad to slip back into sleep and fade away into that nothingness that came with blacking out. It probably wasn't a good thing, but at least it would numb the pain. He groaned and very gently forced myself up.

 

“You awake Pete?” _Okay, yeah, like ow, man. His head was obviously not ready to snap towards the source of that voice_. “Ouch wow that hurts” Peter raised his hand and rubbed his eyes before looking at the person. And there was May, “Oh.” Peter said, although it was probably more of a croak now that he noticed how dry and sore his throat was.

 

“Take it easy honey,” May said as she moved closer to his bedside. “You were pretty close to those gunshots,” she continued as she lifted a cup of water towards him mouth.

 

“So, you must have really hit your head, or at least that’s what Mr.Stark said when he had your vitals checked and then brought you here. You took a pretty bad fall.” May questioned, her eyes seeking something. “Um, yeah I think someone isn’t a Spider-man fan” Peter laughed painfully, as he remembered Tony checking him over for anything life threatening and when he didn’t find anything of the sorts he flew Peter back to Queens to leave him with May. 

Guilt was eating at Peter, along with Tony, May was now being dragged into Peter’s mess

 

May opened her mouth to say something when Peter blurted out. “I'm sorry!” he was sure he was tripping over his own tongue as he repeated the apology several times. May must've noticed he wasn't about to stop on his own, because suddenly her hand reached up to move his hair out of his eyes “hey, hey Peter, honey stop apologizing, I’m not mad at you I am just worried.” May assured him, her voice comforting. “I know I can’t stop you but I wish people wouldn’t shoot at you,” she stated, sounding mildly upset “I was more upset about it when Stark brought you here two hours ago.” May confession

 

“Was he mad?”  Peter asked, voice trailing off as he became too nervous and afraid of the answer. “He was scared I think, I know he wants the best for you, I truly do so that’s why I am not as upset as I could be, he has helped us out more than I could have ever imagined, but Peter I can't stand the thought of people hurting you’ Peter nodded dumbly her words, a bit ashamed of myself for getting himself into this unexpected trouble.

 

May stopped her light scolding, knowing this situation was far out of her hands to stop and so she hugged Peter tightly to her and kissed the top of his head.

 

“Oh Peter you are the bravest boy, please don’t get yourself into something you can’t get out of.”

 

.

 

“So some guy was shooting at you full stop, like right there at Tony’s New York office, and he got away!” Ned shrieked.

 

Ned and Mj are just as scared as May.

 

“This means some really pissed off guy knows who you are out of the suit, that’s not good.” Mj said

 

Peter huffed, _of course this isn’t good._

 

“Don’t get all huffy we are just worried about you.” Peter flinched, saddened by the mess that had been caused out of this one thing.

 

Peter had wanted to keep them from worrying, to keep them safe, even from himself. It was obvious that at this point he had sincerely failed and that failure was a terrible feeling. Ned must've noticed his mental scolding of himself because he cleared his throat to get Peter’s attention back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was going to happen” Peter said quietly, his voice cracking at the end with fear and shame.

 

“Don’t apologize for this Peter you are right this was out of your control, this was some bad guy who needs to be stopped.”

 

“Mj is right, and we are both are going to help you, I think two people in the chair is going to be more helpful than one this time around.”

 

Peter got choked up at their kindness and he felt that oddly light sensation return to him.

 

Peter smiled at them, he loved his best friends. 

 

.

 

Why won’t people stop dropping buildings on him

 

Peter, Ned, and Mj had done some digging, and found the footage of the shooting at Stark’s office, they looked into who the shooter was, and it was revealed to be a man named Mac Gargan, and this guy has others helping him if the getaway set up proved anything.

 

So now Peter was sat here.

 

He’s perched behind some fallen piece of rubble overlooking a garage, cave thing, trying to listen in.

 

“Should I activate Instant Kill Mode?”

 

_Oh my god Karen you REALLY need to stop scaring me like that_

 

“Karen, no killing, we’ve talked about this”

 

She makes a noise of understanding before pulling up a layout of the structure. It comes up into the entirety of his field of view, 

 

Peter tried to listen in once more, but he was only catching bits and pieces of things about some sort of suit that had something to do with a scorpion, which would actually explain the tattoo on that Gargan guy who was trying to shoot at him.

 

Peter figures he is going to have to go in because he can’t hear much, so he studies the layout closely before picking a window on the West end side as his place of entry.

 

As it turns out, the inner workings of the garage are actually impressive. There’s tech all over the walls, some he’s never seen, but besides that, though, it's oddly empty. _Wasn’t there voices._

 

_It almost seems like a tra-_

 

“Peter! The building is unstab-” Karen’s in his head, but it's already happening.

 

The structure explodes, crumbling from the bottom up.

 

Pressure. Just the same ringing in his ears. Just the same alarmingly familiar panic clawing up his throat. He can’t breathe, he needs help. _Please, someone help._

 

Karen’s voice comes in and out. He hears her telling him to push certain things, that he’s stuck under the rubble, the building has collapsed, _Peter. There’s no tracker in the suit, Mr. Stark won’t know you’re here._

 

He can’t breathe. He can’t think over the raging headache throbbing at his temples. He can’t.

He hears Karen telling him to move, how to escape, he just needs to push. His hands are trapped and something in the suit has shattered, he can feel it.

 

_This is transphobic,_ Peter thinks bitterly, before moving.

 

He can do this he has proven it before. _He proves it again._

 

_._

 

Once everything settles and he’s made it back through his bedroom window, he lays awake. He thinks of everything. His wounds are fresh and his skin is bruised. There's a quiet panic somewhere in his chest, it's blunt and burning, demanding attention. 

 

Peter had sent a message to Ned and Mj informing them that what he went to tonight was some sort of trap and he would fill them in on everything tomorrow at school.

 

This guy was smart, he knew Peter would try to find him, he made it easy, knew how to push Peter.

 

They knew he was trailing them. He called Tony and passed on the news of the illegal, powerful weapons he had seen. 

 

“What fell on you?”

 

“A parking garage”

 

“Jesus christ kid!”

 

“I’m fine though.” 

 

“You know it's okay to not be fine?”

 

“I’m good, really, I’m good”

 

Peter leaves out the part about having done this before, about feeling the pressure, even in his sleep. He wakes up panting sometimes, sweat dripping on his skin, _Please, someone help._

 

It’ll pass, it has too, and Peter will catch this guy hopefully long before the guy even has a chance to catch him again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it, plot suggestions are helpful
> 
> Lots of love Mj
> 
> Find me on Tumblr @BitsyParker


End file.
